A Reflection on High-Risk Pregnancy: Mono-Mono Twins
TRIGGER WARNING::: This post is about my personal experience with a high-risk pregnancy. Every mother experiences a different pregnancy, birth and postpartum period, and I wanted to mention that there could be information shared in this post that could cause anxiety to expectant or new mothers. My intention is to share my experience for those who are going through a similar season in their life in hope that is offers some support during what can be a difficult journey.
As I approach the one year birthday of my twins, I can't help but reflect on the whirlwind journey I've been on over the past several months. Motherhood is always a rollercoaster of emotions, but nothing could have prepared me for the incredible, heart-wrenching, and ultimately miraculous experience of carrying mono/mono twins.
From the moment I found out I was expecting not one, but TWO babies, my world was turned upside down in the most beautiful and terrifying way imaginable. For those unfamiliar, a mono/mono twin pregnancy occurs when twins share the same amniotic sac and placenta, making it one of the rarest and most high-risk types of twin pregnancies (seriously, I had never heard of this until I became pregnant!).
As an already anxious person, I found myself navigating a maze of emotions – from overwhelming joy and excitement to paralyzing fear and anxiety. Every kick, every ultrasound, every milestone was filled with both anxiety and excitement at the thought of having twins!
As tough as my pregnancy was, it taught me the power we mothers each carry and the miracles that can arise from even the most challenging circumstances. From the first time I saw a baby (yes, one baby) on the ultrasound machine to the day they made their entrance into the world, my mono/mono twins defied the odds and showed me how strong we mothers truly are!
In this blog post, I journey through the highs and lows of my mono/mono twin pregnancy, and I hope it brings comfort to those of you coping with your high-risk pregnancy.
Disclaimer: This post is based on personal experience and should not substitute professional medical advice. Please consult with your healthcare provider for guidance tailored to your specific situation.
My Hormones are How High!?…
We had just moved to California, and something felt off in my body. I kept telling myself it was the stress and excitement of a cross-country move. We were so excited to dive into this new adventure together, but things in our life were still up in the air. We were living at my father-in-law’s as we were searching for our first home together, our life was in boxes, and…well, I am an already anxious person, so I figured that just life feeling all jumbled up was impacting my period being delayed (it wouldn’t be the first time).
However, after a full month passed and the exhaustion started to kick in I had a feeling that maybe, just maybe, I was pregnant. I had a wave of panic rush over me because of having congenital hypothyroidism, I knew that if I was pregnant I would need to get checked immediately to ensure my body had enough thyroid hormones circulating.
When I told my husband of my anxieties, we rushed out and got a test…
…and then there we were staring at this extremely positive pregnancy test. I was scared and I honestly didn’t even believe it. I wanted to have a family more than anything, but was I truly ready?
Every single anxious thought rose up within me and I felt lightheaded….though that was probably more from the abundance of hormones swirling around my body.
We found a doctor, and I scheduled the first appointment I could. I needed to calm the thyroid anxiety. During the appointment, the drew my blood and did a sonogram. Our first one! It was exciting, and I felt myself start to calm down, a perfectly tiny little embryo forming. No need for any concerns I thought to myself. Just breathe.
At about 8 weeks (2 weeks later) we got to hear the heartbeat, and all seemed well. My blood was retaken, and it showed that my hormones were like tripling…hmm odd I thought, but also *valiating* that, that was why I was suffering (and I mean suffering) from this all-day sickness.
Then at our 12 week appointment, we were in for a SHOCK. TWINS?!? But “how,” I asked, we have had a couple of sonograms, you checked the heartbeats, how are there now TWO in there!? Staring at the sonogram in disbelief, I knew this couldn’t be right, first, they looked all mushed together…it just was off. Second, we had photographic evidence from previous sonograms, that there was infact one baby growing…NOT two.
I was convinced, and told both my husband and sister-in-law, in full-on anxiety (multiple times), that my baby was deformed and had two heads, something was WRONG, this did NOT look like twins.
Once I was told it was twins, they wanted me to go to a different office for more defined sonograms. So there I was waiting and waiting for this next sonogram, thinking every day, that something was just… not right.
The Unexpected News
After a two-week (what felt like very long) wait, we got our appointment…
What I expected to be a normal 10-minute sonogram ended up being over an hour. Our tech first confirmed it was going to be identical twins!!
Another Shock.
Then she kept mentioning that she could not find the membrane. Not having any clue as to what this meant I kept turning to my husband and mouthing- what does this mean?? He was shaking his head while holding my hand and I could see in his eyes that he was just as much in a panic as I was (and he is the stable one!).
The technician finally brought in a doctor who did her own assessment and confirmed there was in fact no dividing membrane between the babies.
My stomach sank, I knew it wasn’t good news.
With tears welling up in my eyes, I asked what this meant.
She went on to explain to us that we had Mono/Mono twins which meant that they not only shared the same placenta (as in a typical identical twin pregnancy) but also were sharing the same amniotic sac. This meant they were literally on top of each other and their cords would inevitably tangle.
Image Sourced from Wikipedia: different types of twins
So technically, when I was worried about my baby having two heads, it sort-of made sense, they were literally on top of each other.
The doctor proceeded to tell me that I was in an extremely high-risk pregnancy situation and that I would be required to go inpatient no later than 28 weeks for monitoring- IF they even made it that far. She went on to tell us they only had a 50% to even make it to 24 weeks.
The feeling that I got in the pit of my stomach was something I can’t even put into words. I was already so physically sick that I had become depressed and anxious. This sent me into a whole other place mentally. My family kept telling me to stay off of Google and I found a support group for mono/mono mothers. However, no matter how hard I tried to stay away from it I still went on to read everything. There were numerous successful and not-so-successful stories in the group. Everything triggered me. Happy stories triggered me just as much as, the saddest most heartbreaking ones. Watching others I knew become pregnant with singletons (and comparing myself to others who already had kids), left me with a continuous feeling of “why did my experience have to be so f***ing complicated”.
Self-Preservation Became the Name of the Game
Only a few weeks later, I had to go to a specialist at the hospital where I would be living in just a few short weeks. During this appointment, we got another shock. My cervix was giving out, and I needed to have an emergency procedure, to get a cerclage to prevent going into preterm labor. This landed me on immediate bedrest at home.
Not easy, as I wanted to get so much done before my hospitalization, and now here I was stuck just sitting around all day. I had to find things that occupied my mind, and one of those things could NOT be looking at others’ experiences with this pregnancy.
I had to fill my days with things that brought me out of my head and calm in my body. I pulled myself off of the computer and social media and instead would sit there and just visualize my life with my babies. I created a website to keep my family and friends updated on the situation, which let me have a creative outlet and distract my mind. I read books about twins, and my husband and I had a lot of movie afternoons when he had breaks from work and classes.
Every moment that I would start to freak out, I would go back to my visualization. It was the ONLY thing I could control. My thoughts. I sat and visualized. I would lost in my head about all the positive, amazing experiences we were going to have together as a family.
24-Hour Monitoring & Hospital Living
At 25 weeks and 6 days, I went into the hospital. That was after having a scare at 19 weeks and needing emergency surgery for cervical insufficiency. I will maybe write about that another time.
Because I needed intense care I had to be sent to a top hospital which was an hour away from my husband and family and since most of my immediate family and friends lived on the East Coast, it felt isolating. Even as someone who has always enjoyed time to myself, I don’t think I ever felt so alone.
On top of being alone, I am also not one who has been fond of traditional medicine and doctors, who never had a single surgery ever, and have a lot of medical anxiety in general. And there I was living in a hospital away from all my loved ones.
This is where I had to pull it together and be the strongest person I ever was for both my babies and to keep my own sanity.
Every day as I sat in my hosptial bed, I would talk to my boys. Tell them about everything we were going to do. To tell them how scared I was but that I was going to be the best mother I could be to them.
Just for reference I should note:: I did have my husband visit when he wasn’t in his classes and working, and I was fortunate to have an aunt visit once or twice a week since she was closer to the hospital than he was, and in-laws came on the occasion as well. But for the most part, it was just me, and my boys.
EVERY DAY for SIX weeks we did the same thing. Every day I sat and watched their little heartbeats on the monitors drop and increase and pray every moment that it would be okay and they would make it to the 32-week delivery we planned.
I got to see them more times than most people ever get to see their babies before they were born. I watched them on monitors and sonograms. I knew what their normal heart rate was and when I had to be concerned. I knew where each of them liked to hide in my womb to avoid the monitors because they hated them being on me as much as I did. I had to fight with nurses when I felt a baby being overwhelmed inside of me. I cannot explain it in words, it was a knowing, of how he would hide and fight between my rib cage.
I passed my time watching TV shows, snacking on cookies (because if I didn’t have a visitor, the food was, well hospital food and I tended to blow through the other snacks brought by loved ones, rather quickly… was feeding two babies you know…) and texting with my friends and family. The days were the same, but I liked the predictability, I knew that meant we were safe. Two to three days a week I got the excitement of seeing them on the 3D ultrasounds, every time I would cry..seeing the little changes in each of them every week. It was as mundane as it was terrifying, but this was out life for 6 whole weeks.
At 32 weeks and 2 days, we made it—it was time for the planned c-section. The day did not go as planned, I was pushed later than originally scheduled due to other emergency situations. Once we finally got into the room. I was terrified. I felt better once my husband was seated before me, though awake the whole time, it was a blur of emotions. I heard the babies crying. I got to see one before he was carried away into the arms of the nurses..and before I knew it, I was rolled away into recovery, making sure my husband stayed with the babies as I was not able to do so just yet.
Stength & Miracles
Had I not had this experience, I don’t think I ever would have found out how truly strong I was. Scared for what the c-section recovery, scared for what life would be like for them once they arrived, knowing they had to live the first weeks to months of their life in the NICU and were still in high-risk situations.
I had chronic anxiety.
It only became worse after they arrived and then separated from us. It felt wrong to have babies and drive away from the hospital after being there for 7 weeks. I felt selfish for wanting to go home take a shower and sleep one night in my own bed. But I needed it. I needed to care for myself too and I had to keep it together mentally.
I was constantly consumed with emotions, with guilt… was mentally and physically depleted.
I knew that I needed to leave them behind for those few hours each night, I knew I would be there EVERY DAY. I would call the doctors first thing in the morning to hear how they did overnight, and then we would pack up our bags for the day, and get back in the car, making our hour drive back to the hospital. For a full month, we did the same thing, every day, until they were healthy enough to be transferred up to the normal NICU by our home. And after only a week after the transfer, they got to come home with us!
I feel like I missed out on a lot. The typical pregnancy (whatever that even is), never getting to hold them right away, having to have nurses around us every time we wanted to hold them in our arms. I didn’t get to breastfeed them right away and once I did it didn’t work out the way I had always envisioned it (this was a huge devastation in itself to me at the time). There was a lot that I felt deprived of being a first-time mother. There was a lot that caused me to be depressed even after I finally got to bring them home.
But now, one year later I have learned how much I have been given.
I was blessed with two beautifully healthy boys.
I was given the gift to find my own inner strength.
I get to experience the love of what becoming a mother (x2) truly is.
These are things I never would have experienced otherwise and for that, I am so very grateful and more than blessed.
For any mother who is going through a high-risk or twin pregnancy, know that you are so much stronger than you might feel in this moment. That there are things that are out of your control, but YOU CAN find the things that are in your control, you mindset is always yours to turn around. It might not always be easy, but I PROMISE you, you are capable, you are going to make it through this and then one day you will look back and be amazed at what you did.
For those who are of faith reading this article—I would like to offer you this prayer to St. Gerard for pregnancy, it is something you can recite when you feel the anxiety takeover. Finding solace in something greater than yourself during this experience can make an immense change to your mental and even physical well-being.